the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

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On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.


[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah


Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.


Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.


me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast


If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….



Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*


Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.


The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.