@dril

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

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@BlondAmbitionTO

On dates, if a man says the past tense of “see” as “I seen” instead of “I saw,” I go to the bathroom and climb out the window.

@hellohappy_time

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

@AristotlesNZ

Your Honor, for our opening motion in this murder trial, the defense would like to submit, as exhibit A, the victim’s ringtone.

@Havish_AF

Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.

@itspaigealena

me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast

@TheRealRobG

If I ignored your call, please send me a text that says “I called you.”….

(sarcasm)

@INDlAN_

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

@stevevsninjas

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

@GimmieTheHam

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.