the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
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I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
we all know this pain all too well
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.