The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
oh she’s cooked
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
my astrological sign is a french fry
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those