The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
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My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I don’t get marriage
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk