The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
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If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
imagine getting destroyed like this
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
I only eat vegetarians.
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Go bears!
(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Kid: *from the back seat* Daddy, when a snowflake gets made, how does one side know what the other side looks like?
Me: It’s because…holy shit
Kid: You just ran that stop sign
Me: Shut up give me a second
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.