Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

who’s gonna tell her?

First day as a 911 operator:

“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”

Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?

“…just don’t tell your mother.”

I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.

The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.

There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.

My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”

Ooh I do like a good funnel

Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.

dog: why can’t I see colors?

me: you’re visually impaired.

dog: what’s impai?

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Cop: step out of the car please

Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”

I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex