The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Child: Why are you on the computer if it’s your day off?
Me: What else am I going to do?
Child: I dunno. Old people stuff?
Me:
Child: Knit a sweater. Yell at cars. Forget why you walked into a room.
Me: Mom is going to come home to one less kid.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
Lady in the park:
Your baby is dressed beautifully what’s the occasion
Me: she’s about to go into the next size so I’m making t sure she’s worn things at least once 😂
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”