The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I just killed a huge bug on the back porch with my shoe. No one steals my shoe.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??