The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
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Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Lmao
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
This is I, Robot all over again
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band