The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
new dr. seuss book dropping:
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
I carry two flashlights in case I ever have to help an airplane land.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
Autocannibalism is self-serving.