The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
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Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
“Name?”
Well, some people call me the space cowboy, some people call me the gangster of love, some people call me Maur…
“Sir, have you ever been tazzed at the DMV before.”
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.