Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears

Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.

Therapist: why’s that?

Me: I got a dog.

sign of the times 🖊

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead

I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.

Bodyguard Idea:

Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.

“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White t-shirt: lol same.

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.

Seriously why do people do this to themselves?

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.

Me: First of all that’s an inmate.

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

OMG this view is amazing!!!

– me opening the lid on the pizza box

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”

Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:

M-What do I have to do?

F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.

Mission accomplished.

Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?

Rick Astley: *tearing up*

Me: oh no

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.

Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.

*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka