Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Do you know any dog photographers?

Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*

“how’s everything tasting folks”

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.

Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?

Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?

Me:

Host:

Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse

Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?

Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.

E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ

*dolphin diving off a cliff*

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person

ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?

WIFE: The washing machine

wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!

wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.