Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product

Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.

Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.

Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.

Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.

*others back away*

I wish they sold off-brand cars.

I’d get me a Joop

I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.

ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.

When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.

Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

This hospital has everything

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.

[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

the best thing i’ve ever made

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…

$85

When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…

Priceless.

If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?

SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!