The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
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*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
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When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.