Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.

Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary

Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.

Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?

Me: …in the basement?

Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?

Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

never stops being funny

I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

All I’m saying is you know it’s been a successful Thanksgiving when your clothes no longer fit.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.

Me when my kids were little: I hope people like them and they make lots of friends
Me now: WHY ARE MY KIDS’ FRIENDS ALWAYS HERE