The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
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God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Yes I do enjoy a morning donut and an afternoon donut why do you ask?
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I don’t want to brag but I found a recipe online, and then within *three weeks* not only made the recipe, but closed the tab on my browser
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”