The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
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Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.