Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”

…uhhhh, for driving in space?

[arriving in hell]

him: so what did you do?

me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea

“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

Him: I love nerd girls!

Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.

Him: no. not like that

Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.

* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?

Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?

Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.

B

Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on