The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
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I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”