(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
You Might Also Like
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
That eye roll….
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war