Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.

Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one

Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER

The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”

I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.

*sewing*

A thread

I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.

Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”

I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.

-me, about to break the dryer

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack

[gets anchor tattoo removed]

Oh dear

[slowly floats towards the sun]

*walks into Apple store

“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”

*walks out of Apple store

ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

Facebook: Look at my perfect life

Instagram: Validate me harder

Twitter: Does this look infected?

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:

1. A gas pedal