The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
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Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
analogies are so stupid
“the same boiling water that hardens the egg softens the potato” I’m not an egg or a potato and I don’t know how this applies to me. I’m just trying to get laid
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.