The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
(2022)
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”