The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can鈥檛 stress enough, it doesn鈥檛 matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 馃攢 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don鈥檛! I heard myself too.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Dog: You鈥檙e back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that鈥檚 sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON鈥橳. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
i鈥檓 sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It鈥檚 a vicious cycle.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
i fact checked this, it’s true 鈽戯笍
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”