the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
You Might Also Like
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.