Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.

I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!

*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closet

It’s so hard to meet people these days

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

on a walk around my neighborhood today i saw two houses across from each other with a “my neighbor is a karen” flag in their yard and i’m really interested if they hate each other or there’s a third neighbor who’s just a realllll b***h

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.

Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?

Me: No, I do.

I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”

Jury duty

[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.

Signature Move

The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense

Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

moderator: your word is “impatient”

sloth: can you use it

moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

sloth: in a

moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

sloth: oh great thank you

moderator: what the

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??

Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make

autocorrect: Dan!

me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.

autocorrect: *growling* Dan.

me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop