Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.

I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!

Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”

Two seconds later:

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

I would like even faster food.

Her: there’s something different about you

Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?

son: *holding acorn* what’s this?

me: a tree

son: really?

me: in a nutshell, yeah

My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.