the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
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damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
I asked my wife 3 weeks ago to sit down and watch Evangelion with me for the first time.
She said yes.
Part ways through the first episode she asks:
“I wonder when we meet Evan.”
I asked, who?
She replies: “Evan. The guy the show’s named after. Evan Gelion.”
The waitstaff is making TikTok’s with my food at this restaurant I can see them doing it please I’m starving
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”