The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Last night I watched a pirated movie. On a scale of 1-10 I’d have to give it 3.14159265359
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]