Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.

If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.

[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.

Just know I tried.

I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night

my friend (also normal): of course

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.

why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

[Ouija board]

O spirits, let me talk to m-

C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I

*squints*

What the heck?

A 3G board?

Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*

they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Someone should probably go check on Steve.

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human

I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.

If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.