The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
The “baby” on the left….
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
edward cullen in class having to learn about the spanish influenza for the 57th time like it wasn’t the thing that killed him
You’re locked in a room with nothing but 88 keys, none of which unlock the door. How do you escape?
A piano has 88 keys! All you need to do is play a scale on the piano, then step on the scale and get a weigh.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
I have an actual woodpecker in my backyard and now I can see why these guys had so many problems with Woody. I wouldn’t throw a grenade at him or anything but I might if I had one
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
🏙👨🏼
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower