The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Now colored!
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
