The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Self-cleaning conscience
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
Mhm.