The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I hope it’s French Onion!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
So we got a goldfish…
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.