The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
So many pants.
So little yoga.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away