Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.

my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .

I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander

ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy

ARMCHAIR:

No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.

when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

[Day 5]

GOD: What do you think?

ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.

12. I think about this all the damn time

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty

*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner

*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.

i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword

The real reason evolution started..😂

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.

Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time