The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
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I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Child Me: Dad, can I (do a truly stupid thing)
My Dad: No!
Child Me: Whatever, Dad! I hope I’m not that lame when I grow up
Years Later
My Kid: Dad, can I (do the exact same stupid thing)
My Brain: prepare to become “that lame”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Thank you 🥹
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Man. Just strolled through a shampoo aisle. Whatever parabens did it must’ve been pretty f****d up.
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
You look like you can go as yourself for Halloween.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.