Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tell the colonel to bring it

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

You’re how old?

*does quick math in head*

Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!

-justifying a bad decision with math

“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”

“Have you checked the chandelier?”

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

love pickles so much i put myself in one

Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.

Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

Monica just destroyed the internet

The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.

5: Can we go outside and play.

Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.

5: Can’t you just throw up outside?

yeah no that’s fair

A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble

got my gf a manicure for our anniversary

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.

Also my husband:

Me: *clears throat*

Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself