The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
You Might Also Like
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.