Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

we’re dead?

“Wish You Were Beer!”

Wait…no…that’s right…send.

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

[giving commencement address at graduation]

“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”

I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking

Just did a big green poo by a canal

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.

me: I need to speak with the megaster

megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers

Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.

50 Shades of Dre.

Me, “Hi. Good morning. I have the worst toothache. It feels like I’m in labor without an epidural and an 8 lb baby is about to be born where my tooth is.”

Dentist Office, “Sorry to hear that. We have a small window of availability on August 6th, does that work for you?”

ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????

Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…