The new American dream is an alien invasion.
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I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.
Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]