The new American dream is an alien invasion.
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Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Hit me in the face with a bird
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today