The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
beware of dog
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!