The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
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I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”