The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
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Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
If aliens came to earth and we explained all our technology to them I think they would get really hung up on helicopters. They would be sending videos of helicopters to their friends on Venus or whatever like “they get into these fr. I’m not kidding”
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.