The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
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Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Strangers have the best candy.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them