The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
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This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
“I’m over 40 and I stretched.”
-me, explaining why I can’t move my back
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.