The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
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Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
termites walking up to the ark: two please
noah: any dietary restrictions?
termite: yeah we only eat woo—
noah:
termite: *noticing sheep* —ool. wool
noah:
termites:
noah: *getting down real close* stay the hell out of my sweaters
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem