The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
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Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
So, slam poetry is not a wrestling move, the more you know
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
#Caturday
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.