Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee

Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,

I found my bagpipes for tonight.

Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

Person: My name is Mora.”

Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”

*Door behind her unlocks*

someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*

Boating season is upon us.

When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

what is cheese if not milk persevering

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon

God: You’ll be huge and fat

Blue Whale: Dang

God: Awful eyesight

Whale: Ugh

God: No predators- except other whales

Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-

God: Biggest junk on the planet

Whale: I’m in

I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes