Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.

Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”

It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.

Humans are 60% water.

Water is 60% sharks.

Humans are 24% sharks.

The investigative skill of our customs officers is unbelievable. As in this case, it is often a tiny, almost imperceptible nuance that alerts their attention and leads to a seizure.

There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.

My tumbleweed is never where I left it.

cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please

my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous

IKEA Manager: Sir.

I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF