Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up

Me: What is wrong with me?

Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.

Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.

I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.

yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps

*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”

I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS

It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang

[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??