The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
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I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Name another movie that mislead you?
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.