The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
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Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
remember
only for emergencies
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.