The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.

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Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.


[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?


I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.


I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.


*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*

Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world


I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.


me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash


Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.

He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”

I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!


I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”


[commercial for salad]

Do you want to feel sad when you eat?