The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
You Might Also Like
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Remember to drink the alcohol with the closest Best Before date first today.
*writes “Tomorrow” on the vodka
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.