Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?

Me: Uranium is OK I guess.

C:

M:

C:

M:

C: I like Metallica.

That’s not even on the periodic table

[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay

Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins

ME: which ones

VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin

ME: no it’s not

VITAMIN WATER: what about blue

DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl

I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.

[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book

5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

I love sleeping in fishnets. Makes you feel like a big honey roast ham.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.

Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.