Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

4th grade student: How old are you?

Me: Quite a bit older than you.

Student: So like 23?

Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

[pitching script]

WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…

PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?

W: it’s a burrito

P: holy shit

I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

[Arrested for prank calling police]

Cop: You get one phone call

Me: ok

*cop’s phone rings*

Me: is your refrigerator running

Me: Any Costco requests?

Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

You’re doing a great job looking at your phone

Guy trying to flirt with me: I just can’t understand how someone like you doesn’t have a boyfriend.

Me: Here, does this help?

*turns and walks away*

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.

Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way