The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.