The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
You Might Also Like
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
#CatsOnTwitter
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.