Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.

Sincerely,
Women

“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”

Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu

It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney

We found love in a hopeless place.

If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct

I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset

No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

The documentary My Octopus Teacher will not be shown tonight due to tentacle difficulties.

“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”

hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well

I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?

You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

[Throwing a ball for my dog]

Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though

One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.