Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
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Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs