Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?

People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”

the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

In case you needed to hear it:

wish me luck lads

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*

Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

[picking her up for a date]

ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage

HER: really?

ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in

WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?

Expensive Petroleum.

“Living well is the best revenge.”

Alexa, what is the second best revenge?

Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”