Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2 Smurfs stand over a body…

“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer

Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.

~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.

It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.

It’s the quality of followers.

Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.

[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.

guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?

co-worker with a ponytail: karate

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty

My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

hate when anxiety gives me stomach problems like baby you are supposed to be a mental disorder please stay in your line

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.