The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
what’s the point then??
[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate