Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!

Henchman: In the h-

K: In the stomach, yes!

Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.

“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.

Cashier: Smile!

Me: Worry about your own face.

Me: Will you marry me?

Girlfriend: No.

Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”

ㅤ

I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.

Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me

I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.

If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.

Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

[playing poker]

“I’m all in”

*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

So, I got banned from the toy store today…

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go