The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
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> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
“I thought it might be nice to go around the room and have everyone introduce themselves, including a fun fact.”
You thought wrong.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.