Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”

and then there’s this guy:

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

Hot singles in your area!

They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

where it all went wrong:

“of course i know where we’re going”

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!

8: But mom, you’re pretty.

Me: Awe thank……wait what?

Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!

Me: Where are you going?

Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.

[later]

Me: How was your trip?

Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.

Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?

Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Absolutely no one:

The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD

It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.

sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos

Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire

Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?

Firefighter: No

Wife *slides him $20* what about now

When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

*internal alarm…awakens at 6am

*presses nose

*sleeps 9 more minutes

[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.