Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’

“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”

*puts words between two asterisks*

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent

Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀

I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.

Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.

Family: So how did you two meet?

Me: Tinder.

Family: What’s Tinder?

Me: It’s a game site.

Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning

If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠

[solar eclipse]

SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me

MOON: Hold my beer

Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you

There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.

My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.