Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.

Lesson learned

Kids will really get mad and tell you Mom don’t ever do THAT again, and THAT is just sending fruit in their school lunch

GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I

People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

Perfection.

my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..

I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.

I think I’m on to something here.

FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that

All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.

I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.

I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

playing pool? you mean swimming?

two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???