Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.

“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?

“Omg”

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

Speak now or ever hold your peace

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.

Many hands make light work

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Important question of the day:

Are centaurs technically insects?

They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

ant-man: im here to stop u

bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]

ant-man: motherf

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips

Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!

HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?

ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend

HIM: what?

ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low

HIM: what did you say?

ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

[Super Villain Team Tryouts]

COACH: Tell me what you can do

MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal

LOKI: I’m a god

THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans