“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
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when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Me: I got a new blanket
My dogs:
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.