The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Hey sorry I cant make it tonight. I am beset on all sides by foes
I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk