Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
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Well, I’ve got to hand it to you.
-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.
Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
“I need to get laid man!”nn- eggs (in the chicken)
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”