The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.

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Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?

Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.


Well, I’ve got to hand it to you.

-Guy explaining how the baton works in a relay race.


Hardcore Ramen: drink boiling water, swallow dried noodle block, snort flavor packet.


1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”


me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog


My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”